How to never touch anyone ever again
Physical contact? On one hand, it's a vital form of human communication. On the other, it's terrible.
Touching other people is one of humankind's greatest fallacies. We all know touching people exposes us to germs, maybe diseases and definitely weird sweat, but we do it anyway. This is f*cking ridiculous.
SEE ALSO:10 very dangerous activities you should avoid at all costsWell, it's time to slip on your latex gloves and take a stand. Your gross body is your own, and it doesn't have to touch other gross bodies if it doesn't want to.
If you love someone? Stay away from them. If you hate them, please do the same. Here's how.
When someone tries to shake your hand, pretend you don't know where their hand is.
Via GiphyJust shake hands with the air in front of you. The person will not try again.
Wear some gloves.
Via GiphyWarm gloves, fashion gloves, rubber gloves. Take your pick.
Wear that Green Man costume.
Via GiphyYou've always wanted to!
Give yourself poison ivy.
Via GiphyThere are people on the internet who sting themselves with bees on purpose. There are also people who light cacti on fire, then eat them — also on purpose. Join the ranks of these fine men and add urushiol poisoning to your morning routine. Rest assured no one will touch you.
Make sure you are always talking about something annoying.
Via GiphyDid you just get back from an EDM festival? Have you recently organized your medicine cabinet? Do you know the most about politics? Keep talking about those things and no one will ever want to come near you.
Make every high-five a fake-out high-five.
Via GiphyWow, it's so weird that everyone is too slow every single time.
Invest in an expensive suit.
Via GiphyA space suit.
Use WebMD to convince yourself of your many grievous ailments, then stay inside.
Via GiphyThere is a 100% chance you are allergic to both skin and air. Better not risk it, right?
Three words: human-sized turtle shell.
Via GiphyWe're not saying it exists. We're saying invent it. Do the work.
Good luck with your life of isolation!
BONUS: Stranger Things: Hamster Edition
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